George Carlin

Tonight's weather forecast: Dark, turning to widely scattered light in the morning.

I like winter because I can stay indoors without feeling guilty.

Dan Quisenberry

The future is much like the present, only longer.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

If politicians and scientists were lazier, how much happier we should all be.

Darrin Weinberg

It matters not whether you win or lose. What matters is whether I win or lose.

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