Kinky Friedman

No one has ever actually called a cat. They come when they wish.

Horses: Dangerous at both ends, and uncomfortable in the middle

Douglas Jerrold

The only athletic sport I ever mastered was backgammon.

Craig Brown

Journalism could be described as turning one's enemies into money.

Julius Caesar

Veni, Vidi, Vici: I came, I saw, I conquered.

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, 'Damn...that was fun!'

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: 'Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!'

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?


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