Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

Dorothy L. Sayers

A human being must have occupation if he or she is not to become a nuisance to the world.

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

A. A. Gill

The food was as tastefully forgettable as... as... Oh, I can't remember.

I wish to see beer become common instead of the whiskey which kills one-third of our citizens, and ruins their families.

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